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Once again i feel like im not getting anywhere with anything. That overwhelming feeling of despair always comes creeping back, not matter how good a situation may be.

there are things i have done that i wont ever regret, i have hurt people, not physically, but mentally. there are memories of sadness and grief that i will always have. the times i think about the past want to make me cry because everything i have now is so different to how it all was. but if i could take it all back i wouldn’t, of everything ive achieved in my life, the past year has been the biggest. but im always complaining to myself that i wish things were like old times. and if they were, i wouldnt be were i am now.

maybe thats why i get so angry and hateful at myself. because both scenarios have good and bad points.

i was facebook surfing the other day and noticed that about 3 or 4 people i did RAW comedy with this year in melbourne have moved on to waaaaaaaaaaay bigger things. Ronny Chieng (funny asain dude) is doing shows with Clair Hooper, been on tv and getting big gigs all over melbourne. Moataz Hamde (afro guy) has his own show in Adelaide and is ripping it up, and is a HUGE name in comedy down there. im incredibly happy for them both, they are absolutley hilarious and they deserve it.

but it made me think. where have i gotten? fucking no where. im still in darwin, doing nothing. i havent had a gig in over 2 months. i havent got a tv show, im not opening for Clair Hooper and im not a big name in comedy.  it makes me so miserable. i try so hard with comedy, its all i want to do for the rest of my life, and it will be.

i had a taste of fame for 2 days and im craving it so badly. its all i ever think about. i want to make people laugh, i want to be noticed, i want people screaming my name and begging for autographs and photos. call it arrogant, but i know i can make it happen.

there is nothing arrogant about wanting to succeed.

i know this stage of feeling shit will pass, when there is nothing on my mind i think, long and deeply. and thats when i find myself in the deep end of the depression pool. good thing i can swim.

 

 

 

RB.

 

 

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