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Once again i feel like im not getting anywhere with anything. That overwhelming feeling of despair always comes creeping back, not matter how good a situation may be.

there are things i have done that i wont ever regret, i have hurt people, not physically, but mentally. there are memories of sadness and grief that i will always have. the times i think about the past want to make me cry because everything i have now is so different to how it all was. but if i could take it all back i wouldn’t, of everything ive achieved in my life, the past year has been the biggest. but im always complaining to myself that i wish things were like old times. and if they were, i wouldnt be were i am now.

maybe thats why i get so angry and hateful at myself. because both scenarios have good and bad points.

i was facebook surfing the other day and noticed that about 3 or 4 people i did RAW comedy with this year in melbourne have moved on to waaaaaaaaaaay bigger things. Ronny Chieng (funny asain dude) is doing shows with Clair Hooper, been on tv and getting big gigs all over melbourne. Moataz Hamde (afro guy) has his own show in Adelaide and is ripping it up, and is a HUGE name in comedy down there. im incredibly happy for them both, they are absolutley hilarious and they deserve it.

but it made me think. where have i gotten? fucking no where. im still in darwin, doing nothing. i havent had a gig in over 2 months. i havent got a tv show, im not opening for Clair Hooper and im not a big name in comedy.  it makes me so miserable. i try so hard with comedy, its all i want to do for the rest of my life, and it will be.

i had a taste of fame for 2 days and im craving it so badly. its all i ever think about. i want to make people laugh, i want to be noticed, i want people screaming my name and begging for autographs and photos. call it arrogant, but i know i can make it happen.

there is nothing arrogant about wanting to succeed.

i know this stage of feeling shit will pass, when there is nothing on my mind i think, long and deeply. and thats when i find myself in the deep end of the depression pool. good thing i can swim.

 

 

 

RB.

 

 

RIGHT! SO! me and my friends are going ghost hunting this saturday night at her house.

lately she has been telling me about some preeeetty paranormal stuff, so i decided that it was worth looking into.

so she has been reporting:

– lights turning on and off

-fridge ice machine turning on

– her sisters bed rocking

-unexplained temp drops

– air con temperature alternating

– she wakes up in the middle of the night having wierd dreams

CHECK IT! she left her phone recorder on for about an hour while she slept. when we listened to it, no joke, you can hear this weird ambient noise. and toward the end you can hear whispering of what sounds like a man talking backwards. the further you listen into the recording the deeper the voice gets.

she came up with the idea that maybe the spirits is a young child, possibly a girl after she dreamt about it. she also thinks the child maybe a spirit from the 1975 Cyclone Tracy and because renovations have been happening in her house, she believes the spirits doesn’t like it. but its just a theory at the moment.

so, what do i plan on doing?

well, i have a pretty good camera, so ill set night vision up with it plugged into a power source and a computer to see if we get anything. and ill do an EVP (electromagnetic voice phenomenon) to see if we get any noise.  An EVP is when you pretty much interview a ghost or spirit, you ask simple questions to see if you get a response. when you ask the questions you dont hear the ghost respond, its not until you play it back that answers can be heard.

so ill let everyone know what goes down and post a video or audio clip if we get anything.

Stay Golden!

RB.

i remember the first day that mum mentioned moving to darwin. it was like she gave subtle hints toward leaving brisbane, before she finally said that she was moving and we could come if we wanted to live there or stay in brisbane with dad. at the time, i hated dad. he harassed us and interrogated us and mainly scared us. i didn’t want to know him. but at the time, i pretended it was all normal. i felt his sympathy at times and i still do. but i cant forgive and i certainly wont forget. as well as that i remember hating the subjects i chose for year 11 at school and thought it would be good to ditch brisbane and start over….without fully thinking it all through. it wasnt until the final few weeks of brisbane when i realised i would be leaving everything i knew behind. friends, school, general brizzy knowledge. i think that i was so swamped with “i will miss you” and “ill txt you every night” ‘ s that things like that didnt even cross my mind. i felt like it was a restart for me, and i thought that everyone would remember who i was.

but i was no one. what had i achieved at Rochedale high? nothing. i wasn’t known for anything spectacular. there are a select few that i keep in contact with.

ill admit, people have left me and ive said ill keep in touch but haven’t kept that promise myself. at least i know how it feels.

i recall the long drive up to Darwin, with every mile further a part of me slipped away. i could feel myself being lost in memories already. i had nothing. the feeling of loneliness crept up slowly. i can also recall times when i was the only one of us four kids awake listening to music in the early hours of the morning and sobbing to myself. what i was doing didnt feel right at all.

although brisbane memories too often come back,  i think that i made the right choice moving. i have good friends, ive achieved some pretty big things and im making money.

but i still know things wont be the same.

but maybe it was for the best?

RB.

why do people do things so blindly? not common sense wise like jumping out in front of a car or smacking your thumb with a hammer, no, that shit is just plain stupid. im talking about making kinda big decisions. like chasing after chicks for example. ive spent so much of my time growing up chasing girls and ending up sad when it doesn’t work, the only thing i really have to show is experience. i spose that isnt such a bad thing, but is it really worth nights when you cant sleep? when you cant think properly? i remember in 2009 around september/october-ish i was soooo caught up on this girl (let call her D) that i would spend so much of my time going out of my way just to hang around with her. things looked good, but my super close friend at the time urged me to turn back before i get in too deep and “get my heart broken”. i didnt listen and she ended up being right. D shattered everything i built. told me she didnt like me and cant do a relationship at the moment….

and then dated another guy the next week….

after this was over i saw who this girl truly was and i was shocked that i even took interest.

i think that we see something in front of us and we have to have it, no matter what it is.  and we will do whatever it takes to get it. which cannot always be bad, someone may want to be famous when they grow up and will climb any obstacle that they face. but, in my case, this moral was used quite incorrectly.

so all up, assess the bloody situation. jesus!

RB.